Archive for the ‘Conscious Living’ Category
What does it mean to have an authentic relationship?
One way to tell if you are authentic (real, honest) in your relationship is to ask yourself if you have any “Withholds”. A withhold is any important thought, feeling or experience that you have not shared with your significant other.
We tell ourselves many reasons for withholding. We don’t want to hurt the other person. We don’t think it’s that important. We never find the right time. We are scared of what our partner will think or do or feel. They might leave us. They might not love us anymore.
When we aren’t authentic and withhold significant information from our partners, what happens is we withdraw. We withdraw because we aren’t sharing what’s important to us with our loved one. And when we withdraw, we start to project. We start making up stories about what our partner is thinking and feeling. We actually think our stories are TRUE! And we start to act as if they are true, even though we never even bothered to ask, to check it out with our partners to see if what we were thinking is true.
I know a man who told me he ruined countless relationships because he would always do this. Make up stories about what his girlfriend was thinking and then actually start to believe they were true without even asking HER!
Have you ever done this?
What a crazy roller coaster ride the withhold, withdraw, project pattern is. You start to feel dizzy and out of control for sure.
If you want a roller coaster ride, go to the amusement park. If you want an authentic, loving, honest relationship, tell the truth.
Share any withholds you have and watch the magic of intimacy unfold.
And please, check out your stories. They are most likely just fabulous creations of your imagination!
The Only Way Out Is In
Posted on: March 9, 2010
I sat down to meditate this morning. I am fairly new at this practice and am only setting aside 15 minutes every morning to be still and check in with ME. It’s not always something I look forward to, I still have that feeling of nudging myself into it. So this particular morning I sat down and noticed a pain in my neck and an ache in my back. I focused on my breathing and attempted to send loving breath to those areas of my body. I noticed I wanted a certain outcome….I wanted the pain to go away. Yep, there’s my ole’ controlling persona at work again. I wondered about the pain and my “Outcome Controller” persona. I realized I have been in that mode a lot over the last few days with my daughter in my attempts to “get her ready” for college in the fall. I thought to myself, “whatever happens will be okay”. As soon as I thought this, I noticed a peacefulness seep through my body. “Whatever happens will be okay.” More flow and relaxing, peaceful energy running through me. My neck and back pain was gone. Ahhhh…..this is why I meditate. As I allowed myself to wonder, I became aware that I attempt to control the outcome because I feel afraid. Afraid that if she doesn’t do A, then B won’t happen, then for sure C will happen…..you get the drift. When I shifted into trust with “whatever happens will be okay”, I also let go of my delusional thinking that I can know or predict the future. Oh yeah, that. Again. SMILE.
The title is borrowed from a wonderful song by Anne Heaton. Check it out, she’s wonderful!
Complete Attention
Posted on: March 23, 2009
In this world of abundance, the only thing that is scarce is complete attention. Certainly, the world is busy busy busy and so complete attention to your partner when they are talking is especially loving and kind and RARE. Noticing your friend, your mate, your child, your colleague for as long as is needed and honoring the information that you receive when you really listen is a special gift indeed.
How about giving full attention to YOUR OWN physical, emotional, intellectual, spiritual, and creative needs and wants? Does that make you giddy with the thought?
Take those mini moments, you know, when you briefly notice that the position you are sitting in is no longer comfortable, and you ignore it? And then, sometime later, shortly or longly later, you notice you feel achy or tight or actually in pain because of your position and you finally change the way you are holding yourself. How long do you wait when you realize you are thirsty or that you have to go to the bathroom before you get up and take care of your self? Or push your way through when you really need a nap or, perhaps not going to bed when you were tired because the clock said it wasn’t your bedtime yet.
How about when your belly is rumbling with fear and you are scared to say what is true in your relationship “I’m scared to tell you how I really feel because you might not like me anymore.” “I don’t like Chinese food.” “I want a long lasting, loving committed relationship, not a casual one.” “I don’t want to go out with you anymore.” “I don’t want to get married.”
How do you know when you need some intellectual stimulation? Do you find yourself drawn to the news or some form of reading or learning? Do you try and start a stimulating conversation with everyone you encounter?
How do you allow yourself to tune into your need for creative expression? Do you doodle on paper or tinker in the garden or putter in the kitchen or dabble in paint? How do you know?
What do you hear in your head or feel in your heart or notice in your body that tells you what you most want and need in any moment?
Are you deeply listening? Or are you discounting, ignoring, overriding the truth of what you know?
Give the people you love and yourself the most incredible gift of your complete attention.
Your life will be so much richer for it.
There Are NO Mistakes
Posted on: February 12, 2009
You might say believing there are no mistakes is just a rationalization. But in all sincerity, can you know for absolute certainty that something was supposed to happen one way and not another? In the moment, you might be convinced something was a mistake. Or you might think so in retrospect. You certainly might strongly wish that IT had happened differently.
How does thinking that something was supposed to happen differently than it did help you, or anyone else? Usually, it just makes you feel crummy, helpless, or resentful. After all, it’s over and done with.
But….if you get used to thinking that there are no mistakes, and that there is something to learn from whatever happens, you will feel empowered and easefully centered with whatever happens.
Remember you get to choose your perspective. Choose openness to learning and you will flow with whatever life brings.
What have you been thinking of as a mistake, something you believe shouldn’t have happened the way it did, that you could instead ask the questions: “What can I learn from this?” and “What do I most need or want to learn from this?”
Thrive Relationship Coaching 